This is a true story conveyed to us by a friend of WIBM who prefers that his identity be kept private. The events occurred in Washington state.
I was 37 years old before I accepted that I was gay. By this point, I had been married for a decade and had several children.
It was agonizing that I could not disclose my sexual orientation and work through the consequences of it with the most important person in my life, my wife. She was unabashedly anti-gay. I knew it would hurt her deeply. It would alter her life and our marriage and family. I kept it to myself for another five years, during which we had another child.
When I finally admitted to her that I was gay, my worst fears were realized. My wife was in turmoil. It was incredibly painful to see. At this point we were already in counseling, as she’d asked for a divorce before learning that I was gay.
The Attack
One month after coming out to her, I moved out of the house and we started separation and divorce proceedings. After that, we were frequently in court as she continuously sought to restrict and obstruct my court-ordered visitation.
At one point, she initiated another hearing to restrict my visitation. Her request was denied, and after the hearing we both returned to the family home as I was to have my weeknight visitation with the kids. She refused to let me get our one-year old son, who was asleep on the couch in the living room. I proceeded to walk toward him anyway. After all, it was only two hours prior when I had prevailed in assuring my visitation rights.
She followed me into the living room, and as she passed through the kitchen she picked up a butcher knife. Then she came at me, screaming “I will kill you! I will kill you!”
I leaned down to pick up my baby son. She grabbed me by the hair on the back of my head, wielding the knife over my back. Our 12-year old daughter was in the adjacent room at this point. I had the presence of mind to continue the motion of picking up the child, and she put the knife down. She began wrestling the baby from my arms. To avoid further trauma to him, I let her take our baby.
I left the house with the other children.
I drove to the home of our neighbors and called my attorney for advice. I asked him whether I should call the police. “Do you want your wife handcuffed in front of your kids and the incident reported in the morning paper?” he asked.
I didn’t call the police.
My attorney suggested I could file a contempt of court complaint for obstruction of visitation. Later I did that, and she was found in contempt. She was actually a law school student at that time.
40 Years Later, a Realization
I have always thought of this incident as aggravated assault and attempted murder (according to her stated intention). But it wasn’t until a few days ago – 40 years later – with input from a colleague that I realized I had experienced domestic violence (the definition of which includes both threats of violence and completed violence). This realization triggered a lot of pain.
I see this as an example of how when the paradigm of domestic violence is so focused on men mistreating women – as it certainly was in those days, and is to a lesser extent today – a man can be a domestic violence victim and have no realization of it. I’ve realized, too, that my children were victims of domestic violence. It had never occurred to me in those terms until now.
See related: Coaching Boys Into Men curriculum used in Washington high schools has major blind spot